I know we've talked in the past about discussing some of the things that our father has done to us over the years. Since we all live far apart now and we've started this forum, I'm wondering if this is an appropriate setting to discuss those. Let me know your thoughts and I'll be glad to get the ball rolling (so to speak).
Love, Scott
22 comments:
I am willing to discuss those issues in this forum though as with any discussions I think we need to have a clear objective on what we are trying/hoping to accomplish in these discussions. As I have expressed before, if we are looking to change him or the past it is not going to happen and it would be foolish to think otherwise.
If we are looking to rationally discuss some issues, situations and what/how we have individually dealt with them I think this is an ideal format in which to do so.
I totally agree with you Rick. Like I said to you in the emails that we exchanged yesterday, a zebra (that being Dad) doesn't change their stripes. This would be a good way to get the ball rolling so to speak.
Denice, Are you interested in hearing what Rick and I have to say along with sharing your personal experience(s)?
Yes, of course I am willing to discuss with you these things. I agree with both of you. Changing ain't an option, discussing certainly is, venting certainly is, wondering certainly is.
I'm in.
Who wants to start?
OK, I'll start.
When I was 9 years old I stole a Snickers candy bar from Gordys Food Fair. I was picked up at the Kimberly Police Station by Dad. On the ride home I was told how much of a worthless child I was and that I'm nothing but a burden on him and the family. He then proceeded to smack me around injuring my arm, chest, and ribs. That was in addition to "the belt".
We all remember the belt, some more than others I suppose.
Certainly I cannot remember all of the times I got "the belt", but I do remember a steadfast refusal to cry over it. Later in life I found out from the source that if I had cried he would have eased up a bit.
Hell, had I known that I might have bawled my eyes out just to not get it so badly. I have my doubts whether tears would have made any difference, but the information came far to late to know if there would have been.
The belt. Unfortunately, I don't think I saw it as much as you guys. I remember being threatened with it a few times, but I think I only got it once, and if I remember, I was kicking and screaming all the way through it. I do remember once getting slapped, for what, I don't know, my memory isn't very good, but in any event, I had a handprint on the side of my face. Other than those two incidents, there are no others for me, at least that I can remember. I do remember shoplifting from Gordy's Food Fair though, except, sorry Scott, but I never got caught, many a candybar made it to my mouth though without monies. Sorry that happened to you.
This one should be easy as I'm sure both of you are aware that I was blamed for Mom and Dad getting divorced. I was told that I was again a disappointment to Dad and that disappointment played a significant role in our parent splitting up. Now being told at 13 years old that it's your fault your parents divorced was not something I wanted to hear nor was I prepared to hear.
Your memories are so much clearer than mine. I remember you telling me that last year, but did not until that time. Quite frankly, that is a pile of bullshit. You cannot blame something like that on children. Children are always innocent in situations like that. I think both our parents made mistakes and to say it was one of our faults is crap. They didn't get along for years, and it had nothing to do with us, and certainly not you, Scott.
Bro' We have talked about that on a few occasions, I was told the same thing. I remember it well, sitting on that ugly ass couch in the upstairs and being told that they were splitting up because of you and because of me. No acceptance of any form of responsibility for the break up. I guess it is easy to place blame somewhere else rather than look at your own failures as a father, husband and man.
Now I don't know if he had a separate conversation with you privately, it is entirely possible he did, but we were both on that ugly ass couch being told WE were the primary reason for their breakup.
I know this, I took that with me for a LONG time, but it has been a LONGER time since I considered it as being the gospel. Blaming your kids because you couldn't make your marriage work is borderline pathological.
I'm sure you remember when I attempted to get on stilts in front of the Conklin's house using a fire hydrant, promptly fell off the fire hydrant and broke my arm. I spent the entire summer in a cast as a result.
Later that summer at a family reunion at Telulah Park we were playing a family game of softball. I had just gotten my cast off prior to the reunion and was playing first base when our cousin, Todd Lowery, hit a grounder and as he approached first base ran me over. Dad wanted me to fight with Todd to retaliate for what he did, however I was in terrible pain. Dad did not understand why I refused to fight and called me out in front of everyone while I was crying because of the pain. Calling be a baby, embarrassment, etc...
Well the pain would not subside and as a result I was taken to the hospital and the result was my arm was broken again.
I remember the broken arm, I was inside the day it happened the first time and I remember playing ball that day at Tellulah where Todd plowed into you. I remember the uncomfortable silence of the people there as you were being dressed down. I don't reember the things that were said, but I remember that the game stopped and everyone was slack jawed and not really knowing what to do or say.
Think about how many times that happened, how often it was just a lot easier to look at the floor and not say a word rather than risk the wrath. I know I cannot begin to count those times, they were many and often.
Denise,
I apologize for not getting to talk with you while I was in NY. Time just flew by. We can continue in this forum or wait until you come to WI for Heather's wedding. Let me know.
Thanks for everything.
Love, Scott
We started to, but time always gets away from us. Sounds good to me about continuing in WI. Can't wait. But, could you please spell you sister's name right "Denice". Had a great time with you guys here. Can't wait until your next visit. Love you.
Sorry, I work with a Denise and she spells her name with an "s" so I get confused, I'm old ya know.
Aren't we all. But confusing me with anyone else, I thought I was one of a kind. No worries. Just razzing you.
Rick,
I know I won't see you until the week of Heather's wedding and I'm sure you'll be extremely busy with the wedding and all. I will disclose everything to Denice when she is here and we can talk, I'm not sure we will have time. In the interest of full disclosure, I can continue to make posts in this forum or we can make time as well while you are here. Your choice. Let me know.
Scott,
I'm not sure what you mean when you say,
"I will disclose everything to Denice when she is here and we can talk, I'm not sure we will have time. In the interest of full disclosure, I can continue to make posts in this forum or we can make time as well while you are here."
Disclose Everything? Full Disclosure? My Choice?
I have no issues with continuing in this forum or off line, but am definitely confused by the content of your post. Help me understandit better.
Sorry for the confusion, my brother.
I'm talking about laying it all out there for your consumption that Dad has done to me over the years. Things that I remember for you to see. Things that you may or may not know.
If you want to disclose anything that he's done to you feel free, but I think it's high time that I let my feelings known.
Scott,
If you feel like you need to let it all hang out, I am ready, willing and able to hear what you have to say. As we have discussed many times I know somethings and I am quite sure that there are plenty of things I don't know.
I saw the email/mail? exchanges that you sent me, I am not sure what precipatated this latest conflict, but it appears to be that you may have reached a point of no return in your relationship with Dad.
As I said, feel free to express yourself in what ever way feels appropriate for you. I will add or not add as I feel appropriate for me.
You know I got nothing but love for you brother!
Rick,
You are aware of my asking him for a loan and then him not showing up at my house, not calling, and then the card he sent.
He then said to Dee before we headed out there that he probably wouldn't hear from me on Fathers Day because I was mad at him.
I decided to reach out to him and tell him that I was not mad at him but disappointed that he didn't show up at my house, didn't call, and then sent me that birthday card. That resulted in the letter from him that I sent.
The point of no return with me was reached years ago. I maintained some semblance of a relationship with him so my kids could have a grandpa or some sort. He has never been a father to me in the truest sense of the word and he never will be.
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